Everything is possible

So we're starting a new Museslash community on Dreamwidth and I created an account there as well: you can friend me at nuraicha.dreamwidth.org. As said on my previous post, I am not planning to move because I don't really blog much anymore? I'll export there (if I find out how) my entries for backup and if I end up blogging, I'll be crossposting. Fics will be either posted exclusively on AO3 or also on DW, and announced on both MS communities.

I didn't want to do this but... Yes, it has happened.

PS: I suck at replying stuff I know, sorry. I will try my best to reply to the shitload of comments ASAP, but I have a job now and lots of stress to handle and... well, who am I kidding? I have never been good at keeping on touch here :(

PS2: Fic might be coming soon...

Hello!

This is a quick update to apologise for the lack of updates and, above all, of replies to comments/messages. I have been terribly busy this past month and I haven't had time yet to catch up with Livejournal. I don't know when I'll be able to, as I am now a mod of museslashawards and nomination period (aka reading period for my part) is about to start, so I'll be busy helping matturemuser running things in there. For those who commented on my last two fics and I haven't replied yet: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU *hugs*

Hope all of you are doing well!

Hello.

I don't like biting around the bush with serious topics, even if I often do ir in real life, because I'm too nervous about how facing them. Thankfully, Internet allows me to go straight to the topic: I've decided to take a pause in writing.

Since around June, I have been lacking motivation to write the pairing that brought me here, i.e. Matthew Bellamy/Dominic Howard. At the start, I thought it was only a temporary block, but I think the problem runs deeper than that. This summer, I have lost confidence in my English writing, as I have realised I don't like what I do.

I'm 21 years old, I write as a hobby and I don't want to be a professional writer. However, I've been crafting a determined style since several years ago; it might not be a great style, it might take a lot from other writers, it might be quite clumsy yet, but it's my style. When English became my main writing language, this style had to dissapear, for two main reasons: 1) I didn't have enough vocabulary to make it as rich as it'd need, and 2) my English was so academic I couldn't find the spontaneity I needed.

I'm going to further develop that second point. What do I mean with "academic English"? This that you're reading. I have been taught to use correctly the grammar tenses according to the situations, to use more complex adjectives to express emotions, to use reported speech, to fill my writing with linkers of all types, to take care of the time expressions I use when I narrate something ("never forget you can't use 'here' if you're talking about a past situation, you have to use 'there'!"), etc., etc. That has been castrating my writing until heights I hadn't realise until now.

However, I have tried to fight that. I've done my best to overcome my lack of knowledge learning from other authors. That has given me good things, and also bad things. I've picked up many clichés, too many for my liking. While writing sex scenes, for instance, I have found myself recalling other authors' work to find the vocabulary I needed, the "basic lines" for each scene. Rereading my work, I find myself looking at sentences from a textbook, either the regular one or the "fanfic" one. And I don't like that, that isn't who I am.

Despite of writing being a hobby, I love what I do. I love seeing reviews of people telling me they liked what I wrote, they felt moved by it. I've been raised in a family in which my dad was the artistic one, the one who could draw amazingly without having ever been taught and the one who played guitar without even knowing the notes. I've felt for so long as I didn't have any artistic talent, despite how much I loved music or drawing. I've tried drawing for most of my childhood, without doing any real progress for years. I've tried photography, but I have never had enough means or patience to become of that a passion. And then, high school arrived. There my Spanish teachers told me they liked my writing, encouraged me to keep doing it; once, one teacher even told me of making writing my profession. I've seen my parents proud of me because of the literary contests I won in my school, my mum crying because of my writing. I discovered I had an artistic talent.

I'm a tremendous unsure person. My self esteem is really low and knowing that I was good in something... god, you can't ever imagine how I felt. But I don't get that sensation anymore when I write in English. I feel all I do is trying to be a person that isn't me. I feel fake. I don't like pretending to be a good author when I am not.

And please, don't start with the "but you are a good author". I could be much better. I'm suffocating in this language, trying to be something I cannot be, not yet at least. I need so much more practice, and I don't think posting my mistakes to the world is a good tactic. I don't want to be that author with good plot ideas but whose writing is boring, I don't want to be that person. I want to learn from my mistakes.

That's another problem I want to mention. I think betas are too nice. They should be much harsher, really kick me into writing better. I have made progress in the grammar aspect, but I think my writing is as plain as it was years ago. Don't you feel like betas nowadays aren't intrusive enough? Not talking about characters' POV, about plotholes, about repetitive speech, etc.? I always do that when I beta, or try to, because I'm always afraid of being an arsehole to the other person and not measure well enough my words when telling them their mistakes. I want to take this chance to try to open a discussion about the beta work: how do you beta? Do you censor yourself while betaing? Do you think you don't have rights to make suggestions about the writing style? What do you look for in a beta? Of course, this is also my fault, I should have told my betas I wanted a heavier betaing, but to be honest I didn't realise until two or third months ago how much I was unsatisfied with my style, and as I haven't written much since that moment, I can't blame them completely, because I didn't know what I needed before that. I want to apologise to my betas, for not telling them this when they were doing their work, I should have been more sincere with you; thank you for your patience and for what you have done for my stories, because my rule has always been never post in another language without a beta, and it's thanks to you that I have been able to explore this work. I hope you can understand me and, if we meet in the future, you won't hold back and really criticise my work. A beta shouldn't be afraid to speak their mind, an author needs feedback and to learn from their mistakes and other's suggestions.

I think the only way to learn how to write in English the way I want is reading, reading, reading and practicing. I plan to keep writing my stories, experiment with them, whenever I have time. But I don't think is a good idea to share them on the Internet anymore, I don't want to build a reputation over mistakes. My English stories will be private and I won't post them here.

I want to thank everybody who has helped me in this journey into English writing. I hope you can help me in the future too.

I also want to apologise to all my readers, I know what I'm doing is unfair to you, I've been there and I know it hurts when someone leaves with WIP's. I want to come back someday, when I feel comfortable with my work, when I feel I'm not pretending to be a milkshake of other authors' words, a page of a textbook, a shade of what I want to be. I can't promise anything, because I'm very futile in these aspects and I can pass years without writing more than a paragraph, just because I don't feel the need; there is a huge risk of me never coming back to the fandoms I'm writing for (who knows, maybe I stop writing fanfic all together), but at least I'm not abandoning the fandoms in itself. Never say never.

I hope you can understand my decision.

Love,

Nuraicha.

PS: Don't worry, I'll still be here on LJ!