A reflection on fandom

[nuraicha]

Hello!

Today I was going to post only the next entry of the music meme, but I've been having these thoughts nagging me for ages and I've decided to write about it here, because two reasons: a) people isn't as harsh as it can be on Tumblr and b) I prefer the format and the less potential number of readers.

Therefore, I am going to talk about fandom. After months of thought, I've arrived to the conclusion that fandom life both fills and sucks your life out of you. Is this good? Probably not. Do we care? Absolutely not. Should we care? It depends on the case.

I've heard lots of times people saying 'fandom saved my life' and it has always slightly surprised me. Could a fandom, a passion you share with people, save your life? It seems so, if we listen to these people. In my case, I've learned I can live without fandom, but not without a passion. Living without things that passionate me, that would be impossible. I even think I might die if that was the case.

However, I think fandom can be replaced, even if it depends on the kind of person you are. In my case, I've lived without fandom all my life and I have been very happy, although I admit I've had my moments of needing someone to share my passions with, and whenever I found that person, it was simply magnificient.

When I entered the fandom life, around 2012, I considered it one of the best things of my life. Meeting people who shared my same interests, talking with people of all across the world, making new friendships, feeling completely part of something. Nevertheless, nowadays I'm starting to dislike all my fandoms. Don't get me wrong, I still love my passions with all my heart, but I've been feeling detached of the fandom life lately.

The question is, why? I've been searching all my life for people who would understand me, and now that I've found them, I just want to isolate myself from them.

Well, the answer is: fandom can be a very cruel and tough world, as you can see everyday on Tumblr or Twitter. It's a world full of wanks, ship wars, cliques and closed minded people. How can that be if us, the people who are fans of something in a passionate way (nearly obsessive sometimes), usually tend to be people who are social introverts and unconventional, at least in some ways? Why members of a fandom start throwing daggers at each other?

Honestly, I can't understand the reason, but this is one of the main reasons I'm not into the Sherlock or Doctor Who fandom anymore. You can find people there who are a real treasure, with whom you can share your opinions in a totally relaxed way, but also beasts whose brain is a one-way road. And I can't stand that. I've made whovian friends on Twitter I don't even talk anymore about Doctor Who with them because they're so focused in their opinions until a point it becomes painful to me. I consider myself a very neutral and open minded person, who can stand everyone's point and be respectful about that, but I can't stand if they make hurtful comments on something I love: you can not believe in Doctor/Master, but don't treat me as I am verging on madness for thinking the Master is the first love of the Doctor because you're hurting me that way.

Another fandom whom I have trouble with, even if they don't hurt me in such a deep way (really, people, don't joke with Doctor/Master when you're with me), is the Muse fandom (now is when all my friends here unfriend me, isn't it?). Really, people there is so closed minded! I've seen people on Twitter dismissing other Muse fans for liking certain songs and not others, and I've been receiving hurtful comments (even if I doubt the people who said them thought they were hurting me on purpose, just expressing their surprise) about my condition as a Muse fan ('why don't you like this song', 'why they aren't your favourite band', etc.). No, people, I don't consider myself a muser (here I should explain my name's theory but it's too long) and they aren't my favourite band and I don't know every detail of their life and miracles. They're just another band, very good and very important for me (I owe them lot of things, as friendships and inspiration writing-wise), but just another band I listen to. Everyone is different, don't ever forget that, and I am not less of you for not having one to 100000 concerts or starting listening to them in June.

A good deal of times I've been thinking of quiting, stop following musers on Twitter and leaving Muse Slash because I've suffered real mental pain since I'm in this dandom. Most of it it's all my fault, me fighting against my own demons and facing aspects of myself I haven't encountered in so long.

I don't know, maybe my mother is right and I should grow up and stop being passionate about things, acting my age and not doing crazy things for the stuff I love. But I can't do that, it'd end with me. I have arrived to the conclusion the principal source of problem are my own demons, and not the people, at least in some fandoms. I think I should be away of the stuff that hurts me and stop giving importance to things that don't deserve it.

Lately I've been thinking I need a rebirth. I hope I can do that some day (snowgrouse, send me the Master).


PS: I am talking in general. I repeat, IN GENERAL. If any of you feel affronted by any of this, please talk to me face to face and we'll sort our problems.

PS2: If you didn't notice, I opened my heart here. Treat carefully, I won't tolerate harsh comments.

Comments

[snowgrouse.livejournal.com]

You know how I feel about this, and it's astonishing that you're realising these things much earlier than I did. I think it's good if you do have that regeneration and get the hell out of the bad places when you can. I'd say it's completely possible to be fannish without interacting with the wide, open, batshit world of fandom, even if it's physically painful because you can't keep up with stuff as well if you don't follow the popular blogs or posters. I hate missing out on Who news and things and some potentially cool Doctor/Master fic because the moment I dip my toe into, say, a Doctor/Master comm, I'll just see masses of Moffat hate being thrown about (whe it's really irrelevant, too). And the Moff makes me happy and it makes me very angry that people accuse him of things he's not. If he can make an old writing-snob queer femanazi as myself deliriously happy with his writing, he's as far away from a misogynist/homophobe/crap writer as can be. But... fandom doesn't generally believe that. And they can fuck off for all I care; I just want to sit back and enjoy my show. So I'm really glad to have people like you to chat with--people who are open-minded, flexible, intelligent and yet don't explode in rage all the time.

The only problem is that when you are an introvert and an obsessive, your obsession is a part of you. And any insult and even a differing opinion is a stab to the heart. So you do tend to react violently, because the pain can be physical at times--even if you know how stupid it is and how the other person's opinions should technically not have any power over you. They shouldn't be able to suck the enjoyment of a certain thing out of you, but fuck, it still happens. So I don't think the whole "just ignore them" or "don't care about them" thing is actually physically possible if your brain is of the super-fannish type. It's as impossible to let that shit slide as it is to ignore a knife in your ribs or someone hurting the people you love. If they slag off a certain Doctor or a certain pairing, it feels like they are slagging off all you believe in and your concepts and experiences of love, and therefore dismissing you. So it's awful. That hypersensitivity is like an allergy, IMHO, so the only option is to avoid exposure to the allergen. That's the only thing I've ever found useful in my decades-long fangirling journey. To just Avoid things hard.

And I've never been happier than in this tiny, tiny fandom that is Connie, and I really love that I have you to share it with, to have someone to talk to about his awesome, and that we don't have fanwars. Ok, so we have the occasional homophobe and naive person around, but as the fandom is so tiny, they're easily ignored. So we can just focus on the beautiful human being and the graceful sex panther and it's *amazing*.

I don't think you should ever stop being fannish or "grow up" from fangirling something. It's not something you grow out of if you have that kind of a brain. I don't think that you are necessarily as hard-wired for it the way I am, neurologically speaking, but it's stupid to say that it's somehow childish--passion never is, and it's sad when people's passionate nature dies. If adulthood means the death of passion, I never want to be a grown-up!

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

Hello, Holmes. I am so happy you commented here, you know that *squishes*

I really need that regeneration. You know I was thinking of the *bites lips. 'Samain? No it's not that, that's Celtic. DAMN. Meggido? No, that's a palace in Israel... Fuck, fuck, fuck! Okay' gives up and searches* Mehregan and the Doctor and the Master... That scene really had such a huge impact on me and, now that I am talking about this, I'll remind you how incredible and just perfect Ghazal is.

Anyway, yes, I agree with you because I've been there, and you can perfectly survive, even if it has its inconveniences, as you said. It's been a long time since I read some Doctor/Master and I've found a few new cool things (again, 'a few' and, thinking about that, maybe just one...) that I could link to you if you're interested, but I'd have to get sure they're really worth it and anyway, you already are writing about the Master all the time. I am so happy I can have you to chat about Doctor Who because you're such a source of information and you see most of the things the way I see them and I needed that, because the Internet is full of people who thinks as you commented.

(Also, this is losing coherence, I'm sorry, I'm getting very tired).

Sadly, I think exactly as you do. It's difficult not to care because you do care, they're saying hurtful things about your favourite show, the book who changed your life or the band you love. And you can't do otherwise but feeling the pain, but that isn't right and we shouldn't feel obligated to do that. We have the right to be happy with our fandoms and thus running away if we need it. Of course, that will be easier or more diffilcult in each person.

I love Connie's fandom as well because it's so cozy: it's like sitting on your house with tea and just talking for hours about what you love (and then the panther attacks and leaves you on a messy pile of hormones on the floor but, oh well). But just wait until somebody starts wanting The Nose, because I'll give you fan wars *takes the sword* :D

No, I don't think I'll stop being fannish ever, and my parents have to accept that. I admit I should try to restrain myself a bit in the squeeling parts, because it's true that screaming and fangirling in some contexts can be childish and, over all, inapropiate.

I love you <3

[snowgrouse.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to add except *EPIC FUCKING HUGS* because you understand it all already. :3 It's all very coherent; don't worry. And ahahaha at your description of the panther! That is a perfect summation of Connie. (You take his nose, I'll just dive headfirst into his lady bum.)