A reflection on fandom

[nuraicha]

Hello!

Today I was going to post only the next entry of the music meme, but I've been having these thoughts nagging me for ages and I've decided to write about it here, because two reasons: a) people isn't as harsh as it can be on Tumblr and b) I prefer the format and the less potential number of readers.

Therefore, I am going to talk about fandom. After months of thought, I've arrived to the conclusion that fandom life both fills and sucks your life out of you. Is this good? Probably not. Do we care? Absolutely not. Should we care? It depends on the case.

I've heard lots of times people saying 'fandom saved my life' and it has always slightly surprised me. Could a fandom, a passion you share with people, save your life? It seems so, if we listen to these people. In my case, I've learned I can live without fandom, but not without a passion. Living without things that passionate me, that would be impossible. I even think I might die if that was the case.

However, I think fandom can be replaced, even if it depends on the kind of person you are. In my case, I've lived without fandom all my life and I have been very happy, although I admit I've had my moments of needing someone to share my passions with, and whenever I found that person, it was simply magnificient.

When I entered the fandom life, around 2012, I considered it one of the best things of my life. Meeting people who shared my same interests, talking with people of all across the world, making new friendships, feeling completely part of something. Nevertheless, nowadays I'm starting to dislike all my fandoms. Don't get me wrong, I still love my passions with all my heart, but I've been feeling detached of the fandom life lately.

The question is, why? I've been searching all my life for people who would understand me, and now that I've found them, I just want to isolate myself from them.

Well, the answer is: fandom can be a very cruel and tough world, as you can see everyday on Tumblr or Twitter. It's a world full of wanks, ship wars, cliques and closed minded people. How can that be if us, the people who are fans of something in a passionate way (nearly obsessive sometimes), usually tend to be people who are social introverts and unconventional, at least in some ways? Why members of a fandom start throwing daggers at each other?

Honestly, I can't understand the reason, but this is one of the main reasons I'm not into the Sherlock or Doctor Who fandom anymore. You can find people there who are a real treasure, with whom you can share your opinions in a totally relaxed way, but also beasts whose brain is a one-way road. And I can't stand that. I've made whovian friends on Twitter I don't even talk anymore about Doctor Who with them because they're so focused in their opinions until a point it becomes painful to me. I consider myself a very neutral and open minded person, who can stand everyone's point and be respectful about that, but I can't stand if they make hurtful comments on something I love: you can not believe in Doctor/Master, but don't treat me as I am verging on madness for thinking the Master is the first love of the Doctor because you're hurting me that way.

Another fandom whom I have trouble with, even if they don't hurt me in such a deep way (really, people, don't joke with Doctor/Master when you're with me), is the Muse fandom (now is when all my friends here unfriend me, isn't it?). Really, people there is so closed minded! I've seen people on Twitter dismissing other Muse fans for liking certain songs and not others, and I've been receiving hurtful comments (even if I doubt the people who said them thought they were hurting me on purpose, just expressing their surprise) about my condition as a Muse fan ('why don't you like this song', 'why they aren't your favourite band', etc.). No, people, I don't consider myself a muser (here I should explain my name's theory but it's too long) and they aren't my favourite band and I don't know every detail of their life and miracles. They're just another band, very good and very important for me (I owe them lot of things, as friendships and inspiration writing-wise), but just another band I listen to. Everyone is different, don't ever forget that, and I am not less of you for not having one to 100000 concerts or starting listening to them in June.

A good deal of times I've been thinking of quiting, stop following musers on Twitter and leaving Muse Slash because I've suffered real mental pain since I'm in this dandom. Most of it it's all my fault, me fighting against my own demons and facing aspects of myself I haven't encountered in so long.

I don't know, maybe my mother is right and I should grow up and stop being passionate about things, acting my age and not doing crazy things for the stuff I love. But I can't do that, it'd end with me. I have arrived to the conclusion the principal source of problem are my own demons, and not the people, at least in some fandoms. I think I should be away of the stuff that hurts me and stop giving importance to things that don't deserve it.

Lately I've been thinking I need a rebirth. I hope I can do that some day (snowgrouse, send me the Master).


PS: I am talking in general. I repeat, IN GENERAL. If any of you feel affronted by any of this, please talk to me face to face and we'll sort our problems.

PS2: If you didn't notice, I opened my heart here. Treat carefully, I won't tolerate harsh comments.

Comments

[shay_unknown]

tbh i have been involved in the muse fandom for about 4 or 5 years now, and before that i was involved with dozens of fandoms starting at probably age 12. The muse fandom is the only one that I've made an effort to make friends and know my fellow writers/readers to the extent that I do... and it's definitely the worst fandom I've ever joined in terms of snarky comments that are meant to hurt on purpose, rude people that just don't care about anyone else, and just... people that are so closed minded when it comes to the boys, their lives, and their music.

hence the fact that I now only talk to a handful of people on a regular basis, or i'll reach out if i notice someone is struggling.

when getting involved with a fandom, you have to make a conscious effort to remember who YOU are and to not morph into someone that you're not because of your internet friends' opinions.

again this is the only fandom that i've been involved directly in, but it seems to be a thing that spans across them all. You'll always have a group of people that are never satisfied with SOMETHING about the fandom, and you just have to move on. you can't let the negative people effect you and change you, because if you do you'll go into that depressed/lonely/isolated state that i see a LOT of people in right now.

you just have to remember who you are, what you stand for, and what you aspire to achieve.

there are plenty of good members in MS, and i'd say that right now is probs the best time (everyone is relaxed and getting along it seems to me, but i'm not as active as i used to be, so i may be way out of the loop on things, but i don't care about that).

as for mean comments, the best thing you can do is don't take them to heart :\ if the person doesn't know their offending you, maybe just gently mention that. People can't change, they can't see that they're doing something wrong, if no one tells them. idk idk.

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

Hello, Shay, thank you for passing by!

I've tried to make friends in all the fandoms I've been involved with, but I have never had much success, due to my shy nature and not knowing how to interact with people on the Internet (I still don't know how, but I think I've got a bit better at that, at least people don't seem to notice how awkward I get when I talk to Internet strangers). Muse fandom has been for me like a big black hole (and please excuse my bad metaphor) that has sucked me in in such little time I got lost without even realising. This has been my first big music fandom in so many years, as I spent my teens focused on Italian music and paying attention to musicians that were only known there. It's been a huge jump, from just dealing with a one country fanbase to... worldwide people, and I'm still adjusting to that. From my experience, I can say most of music fandoms have rude people and internal fights but, the bigger the worst, and this is clearly the Muse fandom problem. It seems almost as some fans believe that, just because they're in such a big fanbase, have the right to do anything and that isn't right.

Usually, I've never had problems with 'getting lost on the crowd', especially when I abandonned my teens (and yes, I'm aware many people still think my age it could be considered as a 'teen age'). I started having a few of those issues upon entering this fandom, probably because I sought acceptation, which is always a bad bad thing to do (changing who you are, I mean). I haven't pretended to be another person, but I've detected in myself certain attitudes that in normal conditions I wouldn't have. And I'm fed up with that, I'm so fed up with pretending or covering some aspects of myself with masks. Again, I have barely done that, but I have showed certain attitudes I dislike and a me that isn't really me. And I won't put up with my shit anymore.

To sum up, most of my problems with this fandom are personal problems that little have to do with the people or the fandom itself. I've been well received here and thinking otherwise just proves me how much my mind has been fucked up these last months.

Thanks again for your words, Shay! I hope you're doing well.

[mcsparklez]

We already talked about this on Twitter a couple of weeks ago, so you know my thoughts on this.

But let me add this: I don't think fandoms save live, but people do. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but I think that fandom helps meeting people. Of course it does. But in the end, it's the people who change your life, not your shared love for a band, sport, food or whatever. You meet these people through your shared interest, but then you find more common interests, talk about other things, get to know the person more, which exceeds the knowledge of your hobby.

Fans will always be extreme and some get easily offended when you don't share their passion for something. It sucks, but that's what people do.

The key to... let's say "happiness" (for lack of a better word) to fandom life, is that you don't care. I know, I know, it is a lot easier said than done! I've been there as well, and I know how much things can hurt. But in the end, if you quit something because others make you hurt, you stop doing what you love. What's the point of this? In the end, the only person who loses in this is you.
Learn to accept that people are twats. If someone judges you for not liking something or judging your tastes, think about what that person means to you. Is it really a friend you want to talk to or is it a person who you follow (in the case of Twitter) just because. If it is a friend, tell them that you feel hurt by it (like you said, some don't even realise they hurt you! And sometimes it can also be a misunderstanding, who knows? For example, I like to tease a certain friend for liking Resistance, but we both know that it's never meant as something hurtful or judging. Sometimes it's hard to judge sarcasm and jokes over the internet). If they're a friend, they should understand it instead of lashing out. If it's not a friend, then put them on the "don't give a fuck" pile. Contemplate unfollowing them if it persists, don't keep following them just because "everyone else doe" or because you are scared of unfriending someone.

TL;DR Never give up something just because people don't like it. You're you and you're perfect just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or shit on the things you love.

<3

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

Hi, Stef! Yes, inded I was thinking about what you commented when I was writing this entry.

Your point of view here it's very interesting, and I partiately agree with you. Undoubtly, there are fandoms you come for the passion and stay for the people, because the human factor is very important in the whole fannish experience. Still, as I said, I don't think it's esential, or at least not for me. The fannish thing itself, what you love, it's for me the most important in the fandom experience. For instance, Star Wars: the influence it has had in my life it's so huge, but I barely know people who like it, and we certainly aren't BFF; I've lived my childhood and teenagehood without meeting people in the fandom and it has worked for me, because what fills my soul is Star Wars itself, the movies, the expanded universe, the concepts, etc.

Of course, that doesn't happen with other fandoms. The people is one of the things I cherish the most in this fandom and the friends I've made here. When you make a friend from a fandom, it happens as you said, but it depends on the importance you give to the fannish element, in my opinion.

The problem is that, personally, I've many problems to stop caring about people opinions. I suppose I'll grow out of that, but for the moment it's difficult, so that's why I prefer to avoid these potentially hurtful situations. For instance, I don't go around proclaiming my love for Doctor/Master to people I know hate them, or whenever I see some idiot on Twitter saying shit about people who likes that or that. Of course, the trouble comes when you're involved.

You're such a kind person, Stef. Thank you very much for your speech <3

PS: I love Resistance. A lot ;)

[snowgrouse.livejournal.com]

You know how I feel about this, and it's astonishing that you're realising these things much earlier than I did. I think it's good if you do have that regeneration and get the hell out of the bad places when you can. I'd say it's completely possible to be fannish without interacting with the wide, open, batshit world of fandom, even if it's physically painful because you can't keep up with stuff as well if you don't follow the popular blogs or posters. I hate missing out on Who news and things and some potentially cool Doctor/Master fic because the moment I dip my toe into, say, a Doctor/Master comm, I'll just see masses of Moffat hate being thrown about (whe it's really irrelevant, too). And the Moff makes me happy and it makes me very angry that people accuse him of things he's not. If he can make an old writing-snob queer femanazi as myself deliriously happy with his writing, he's as far away from a misogynist/homophobe/crap writer as can be. But... fandom doesn't generally believe that. And they can fuck off for all I care; I just want to sit back and enjoy my show. So I'm really glad to have people like you to chat with--people who are open-minded, flexible, intelligent and yet don't explode in rage all the time.

The only problem is that when you are an introvert and an obsessive, your obsession is a part of you. And any insult and even a differing opinion is a stab to the heart. So you do tend to react violently, because the pain can be physical at times--even if you know how stupid it is and how the other person's opinions should technically not have any power over you. They shouldn't be able to suck the enjoyment of a certain thing out of you, but fuck, it still happens. So I don't think the whole "just ignore them" or "don't care about them" thing is actually physically possible if your brain is of the super-fannish type. It's as impossible to let that shit slide as it is to ignore a knife in your ribs or someone hurting the people you love. If they slag off a certain Doctor or a certain pairing, it feels like they are slagging off all you believe in and your concepts and experiences of love, and therefore dismissing you. So it's awful. That hypersensitivity is like an allergy, IMHO, so the only option is to avoid exposure to the allergen. That's the only thing I've ever found useful in my decades-long fangirling journey. To just Avoid things hard.

And I've never been happier than in this tiny, tiny fandom that is Connie, and I really love that I have you to share it with, to have someone to talk to about his awesome, and that we don't have fanwars. Ok, so we have the occasional homophobe and naive person around, but as the fandom is so tiny, they're easily ignored. So we can just focus on the beautiful human being and the graceful sex panther and it's *amazing*.

I don't think you should ever stop being fannish or "grow up" from fangirling something. It's not something you grow out of if you have that kind of a brain. I don't think that you are necessarily as hard-wired for it the way I am, neurologically speaking, but it's stupid to say that it's somehow childish--passion never is, and it's sad when people's passionate nature dies. If adulthood means the death of passion, I never want to be a grown-up!

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

Hello, Holmes. I am so happy you commented here, you know that *squishes*

I really need that regeneration. You know I was thinking of the *bites lips. 'Samain? No it's not that, that's Celtic. DAMN. Meggido? No, that's a palace in Israel... Fuck, fuck, fuck! Okay' gives up and searches* Mehregan and the Doctor and the Master... That scene really had such a huge impact on me and, now that I am talking about this, I'll remind you how incredible and just perfect Ghazal is.

Anyway, yes, I agree with you because I've been there, and you can perfectly survive, even if it has its inconveniences, as you said. It's been a long time since I read some Doctor/Master and I've found a few new cool things (again, 'a few' and, thinking about that, maybe just one...) that I could link to you if you're interested, but I'd have to get sure they're really worth it and anyway, you already are writing about the Master all the time. I am so happy I can have you to chat about Doctor Who because you're such a source of information and you see most of the things the way I see them and I needed that, because the Internet is full of people who thinks as you commented.

(Also, this is losing coherence, I'm sorry, I'm getting very tired).

Sadly, I think exactly as you do. It's difficult not to care because you do care, they're saying hurtful things about your favourite show, the book who changed your life or the band you love. And you can't do otherwise but feeling the pain, but that isn't right and we shouldn't feel obligated to do that. We have the right to be happy with our fandoms and thus running away if we need it. Of course, that will be easier or more diffilcult in each person.

I love Connie's fandom as well because it's so cozy: it's like sitting on your house with tea and just talking for hours about what you love (and then the panther attacks and leaves you on a messy pile of hormones on the floor but, oh well). But just wait until somebody starts wanting The Nose, because I'll give you fan wars *takes the sword* :D

No, I don't think I'll stop being fannish ever, and my parents have to accept that. I admit I should try to restrain myself a bit in the squeeling parts, because it's true that screaming and fangirling in some contexts can be childish and, over all, inapropiate.

I love you <3

[snowgrouse.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to add except *EPIC FUCKING HUGS* because you understand it all already. :3 It's all very coherent; don't worry. And ahahaha at your description of the panther! That is a perfect summation of Connie. (You take his nose, I'll just dive headfirst into his lady bum.)

[millionstar.livejournal.com]

A regeneration sounds like a great idea. :)

Everyone else has made better points than I ever could.

Be yourself and surround yourself with the things you love, end of. If they are Muse related, fantastic. If they are not Muse related, that is just as fantastic. Realize your own validity, don't rely on others to provide it for you, because YOU are amazing just as you are.

MS, as a fandom, though, is definitely worth it. I've met amazing people here, who I don't feel worthy of, and yet they accept me despite my many faults, of which I have a lot.

I am thankful for you; MS is full of bright spots and you are one of them. <3

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

Oh, believe me D, you made greaaat points ;)

That is what I'll try, always looking forward and for the things that are important to me, and leave the rest apart. Searching for happiness is the best thing you can achieve in life, in my opinion, and fandoms can provide that.

Thank you a lot for your words; they mean the world. I am so happy I arrived to MS because I met such wonderful people as you, and that's fantastic. Thank you!

[thekeyholder.livejournal.com]

It's all right to feel this way, I think every person who is in a fandom will, at least once, come across the problems you mentioned.

To be honest, what you enumerated are the reasons why I don't want to join Twitter. I'm content just with reading fics (in some cases) or watching the show and discussing it with trustworthy friends who won't tell me off if our opinions are different.

I just don't see why people aren't more tolerant. So what if Muse is not your favourite band or if you don't like certain songs. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. But I think you have found good friends here and I'll just tell you to keep them close and ignore the others who can't accept you as you are.

And I don't think it's childish to be in a fandom. When I was around 16-17, I thought that maybe it was time to grow out of it, but I discovered, as you did too, that I need something to be passionate about.

To sum up, just do whatever you feel like doing and don't let others hurt you with their words. Take care! <3

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

Fandoms are like jungles: is difficult to get out of them and to survive with all your mental sanity. And still...

No, don't join Twitter. It can be such an awful place, it will be better if you don't, trust me. Twitter is even more of a jungle, everyone has an opinion and 80% of them want to maintain their point even if that means hurting people in the way.

Yes, that's what I am doing. I have found such perfect people here that it seems irreal so many incredible people can be together in one place. It amazes me.

Take care you too, Brigi, thank you very much for your words <3

[tamar elmensdorp-lijzenga (from livejournal.com)]

I so totally understand what your saying here. I do consider myself a muser. Not so much to identify with other people, but because of my deep felt love for Muse. I'm positive other musers wouldn't consider me a muser though. I don't know all lyrics by heart, I don't even know all song titles or what album they're on. To me, my feeling like a muser isn't about that at all. It's about a passion I have discovered through their music. It touches me on a level I never experienced before and can't explain. Yes, I met new people all over the world because of this fandom, but I consider my muserdom something private. And yes, people in a fandom can be very narrow minded indeed. It's a shame ... It really shouldn't matter if you're a fan from the start or just recently. It shouldn't matter if you like certain songs, but not others. I guess people are just wired that way, to feel more important and better than others. It is sad. It should be about sharing the same passion.

[nuraicha.livejournal.com]

This *applauds* I understand you so well, because I have seen that happen lots of times to other people and to me. I remember one girl upset about not being "a real fan" of my favourite band because she couldn't go to their gigs or buy their albums because her parents were very strict. It left me speechless because, hello? I took ages to buy their cd's, mostly because they aren't sold in my country! I had to travel to Italy just to see them live and I could do that because I was lucky enough to have money and helpful parents! If you had to count your passion for physical things or knowing every song, I don't think many people could be consider a "real fan". FFS, it's difficult to learn by heart all the lyrics of an entire career, especially Muse's! I don't consider myself a muser because

a) I identify that term with the kind of harsh people I have seen in fandom (clearly not your case, but I bet you know what kind of people I'm talking about).

b) Because no, simply no. I don't feel identified with that name, I don't have a connection with it. Why? Who knows, difficult to explain even to myself.

But, do all of that mean I don't love them? Of course no, but I am sure many people would think that. It makes me furious!

So sorry for all the ranting, as you see, this is a topic that wires me. I agree with you, and I understand you. Thankfully you can always find people who think alike, like you :)